Having an EMO moment...

Hey there...I know I know, all my empty promises to do better and blog faithfully, religiously and consistently have been an epic fail...I wish I could apologize but I am afraid that it would be empty and I do not want to keep apologizing and not change so we shall see...I love my blog so I will try to treat it as such..

There are so many things that I could write about.  I have made so many awesome connections.  Increased my make-up kit exponentially, had an awesome client but for some reason I am not feeling that.  One thing about me is that I am not a faker.  All those things are great and I will get to them in due time but tonight my heart is not in those things...tonight my heart is a mess...(lol--but not really)

I am a firm believer in growth through brokenness.  I know for a fact that there are times where I have not changed because I have refused to identify and change the aspects of the issues that are soley mine.  Tonight I feel the weight of that. How is it that I have so many friends yet I feel more alone now than I have ever felt. There are so many things that are going right, but something in my heart feels so wrong. I do not know what it is and I cannot blame anyone else for the feeling.  It is just there.

There are some things that I do know. I am not perfect, I am a fallible human being that tends to get things wrong sometimes but I try to make it work.  Sometimes I think the issue is, I am always trying to be a hero.  It is always my heart to be so strong, to keep it together..to handle my handle.  I am willing to admit right now that I cannot always do that, not successfully.   I know that another part of the feeling is that "tonight I want to be somebody's somebody" (Prince), I love..love..it's who I am..I think that somewhere on the inside of me there is a switch that regardless of the circumstance is stuck in 'heart on sleeve' mode.  Don't get me wrong, I am not upset about that, it is who I am but sometimes I do wish that I could cover it up.  Sometimes I wish that you couldn't see me sweat.  Sometimes I wish I knew how to build walls, barriers a dag on Tee-Pee to protect myself..But no matter how much I wish it were so, it is not..so here goes my sleeve..attached is my heart and that's that...sometimes broken and bruised, battered and bashed but always beating nonetheless. When it is all said and done, here's who I am...

#end pity party