It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday..

NOTE: 1. There are quite a few links in this post - who would I be if I didn't give you visuals? 2. This blogger window has been open on my MacBook for days..Here's why;

May 1 - I finally found a worthwhile topic for the first blog after my "blog-i-versary" and...

May 2 - ...and I was scooped by the President (Unless you have been living under a rock, you know what the big announcement was)

May 3 - ...and The Voice was on and I find myself randomly attracted to CeeLo so I cannot Blog until I come to my senses...

May 4 - ...and then it hit me.  My first post would be about me (Shocking I know)

But really, this has been quite the year for me, everything that could have possibly changed in my life has changed. New place, new job, no hair, no love interest and no--well never mind that--but you see where I am going with this right?

The reason I decided to do this post now is because I have came to an epiphany of sorts concerning myself and relationships.  It all came to a head on Passover Sunday.  I was hanging with some friends and one of the people there just happens to be married to my ex-fiancee. That, while it may have been a problem to some, was cool..her pulling out the wedding pictures and sharing them with everyone however was too much for my poor heart to take.  I am not a punk though so I held it together and did not turn into a babbling, bawling fool but I must say it cut me deep.  After the evening came to a close and I got home I was to' up (torn/tore up) , but like any good neighbor--my best friend was there.

As I shared with her some of the events that had taken place over the last few weeks up through that very night she said something that stopped me dead in my tracks.  She said that the reason things hurt me so much for so long is because I never truly let anything go, I push past it and when something new comes up it all rushes back and now I have to push harder.  As she said it I knew it was true and everything began to creep to the surface.

I could not hold back the tears that I had held in for so long.  I cried for the brokenness in my past, for the desperation of my present and for the fear of what would be in my future.  I cried for every relationship that hurt, harmed or hindered me yet I stayed and waited for change that would never come.

I cried for every person that said that they loved me in spite of my complexion, my weight, or my "sensitive" nature and realized that if they had to say all that it was not love at all.  I cried because for some reason I have held on to every relationship that I have had since 8th grade and still carry the insecurities and scars as if they were battle wounds.  I cried because I had to. I needed to release all the negativity that I carried as a crown to show that I have been hurt just like you.  I cried because at some point I went from being the victim to being a volunteer for abuse and lackluster love affairs. I cried because, like Etta James, all I could do was cry!

And after all that crying, when there were no more tears left, when the phone was turned off, when the only things left were me, the Lord and the pain, I said Goodbye. I told the past that it could not control me any longer.  If that meant getting rid of every person on my "Friends" list and starting anew, I was willing to do it.  Thankfully, it did not take all of that! All it took was me..I had to find the me that was whole without anyone around and it is a work in progress but I am enjoying it all.

I had to realize that I am not defined by the hurt in my past.  What defines me is the hope in my future and I choose to reach toward that without looking back except to see how far I have come.  Boyz II Men had it right when they said saying goodbye to yesterday is hard..But being able to say hello to tomorrow sure makes it worth it...