Love Is....

"Love means never having to say you're sorry"
                  (Taken from the novel and film 'Love Story' 1970, Erich Segal)

This quote, which I have heard many times from men and women in love, and not in love, could not be further from the truth.  To quote an even better book, THE book, (the Good Book, the B-I-B-L-E), Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs.

Today I take a lesson in love, not an easy one but a lesson nonetheless.  Today I see what my brand of "love" really looked like.  Over the last couple of days my "self" has been shown to my "self" and I am here to tell you that it sucked!!  

Let me explain, my brand of love has been erroneous and I didn't even know it.  I thought I had it together but I was a time bomb with a very short fuse.  My love came with a personality disorder called divalicious attitudism. Now being from the east coast, I have a little fly girl flavor that is sassy and cute but even that has its limits and I was well exceeding them.  My love was selfish and never satisfied.  Easily angered and borderline bitter from past relationships so any new love had to pay the price for every prior mistake. Because the majority of my relationships have been very unhealthy I have basked in the glow of a healthy relationship and been unsure of how to respond so I went to my default. My love was flawed and poisonous to its new home and when I realized it, it was like the weight of a ton of bricks.

It is always so easy to pick apart the flaws and weaknesses in something or someone else.  When a friend calls with relationship issues or family issues, it is simple to become the next Dr. Phil and get them right on through it, but when the problem is you, especially in this type of situation, what do you do?

For me the answer was simple..(so simple that I have already done them) I had to do/realize three things..

(Sidebar: this is not a 12 step program and I am not a therapist..I am doing me..repeat..doing me)

1. I had to share my heart with the one I gave my heart too...as the recipient of my brand of love it was only fair that I make it known that I saw my behavior and that I was sorry. No matter what the outcome, the hardest part of realizing that you have been the issue is humility but it is necessary.

2.  I had to forgive my past. Not just the people in it, but myself and my self sabotaging behaviors.  I had to confront the things that caused me to be negative while standing face to face with the most positive relationship that I ever had and take my life back from it.  When standing at an en passe of this magnitude, GPS, your cousin with the map, or your auntie from around the way can not help you choose the way to go.  You have to decide that for no other reason ( meaning not for a person, not for a relationship or whatever else) but for yourself and the fact that if you do not change you will forever be this person, you are willing to do something different and choose a different course immediately.

For me, I could not play with it and say "Well I'm going to try and do better and see how it goes." I have seen how it went and it was headed to a place called a lot worse.  Some of the issues that I have had only require a more rational response or a more positive approach and that shift has to be immediate.  I know that I am not perfect and that I may not always say or do the right things but that is not now nor has been a free pass to cut a fool when you want to.

3.  The last thing I had to do and honestly the hardest thing is to realize that healthy love lets go. I know no one wants to hear if you love something let it go...but the truth is relationship is not ownership it is companionship and if you are causing the ship to sink you can not be mad if the other person wants out of the boat! After everything, the realization, the confession and the beginning of change I had to be prepared for the consequences and ready to start the repairs..

I am not down, defeated or depressed. I am grateful that I have seen these things before I could be consumed by them and I am never to old to grow in some areas and mature...So, at this point the only thing to do is go forward..to laugh, to live and to truly love.