Today has been a thought provoking Tuesday...

..I had a few conversations, a couple of altercations and by the end of it all a revelation.

I will start with one of the conversations, today while talking to my "boo" a subject matter that comes up every few weeks reared its head - quality time.  Now, make no mistake I am a spoiled brat. I know it like I know my name.  I do not keep it a secret nor do I even pretend to be on a quest to change that. I believe that I am fun, sweet, personable and all the other things that ought make you desire to spend as much time as possible with me.  I don't tend to need tons of me time and deep down inside I do not understand it when my S.O. (significant other) does.  I know that may not be realistic, I see selfish written all over that, I am just trying to tell the truth..Shall I go on?  Well, we were talking today and of course I desire more face time at whatever cost necessary.  My S.O. then began to break down how much time over the course of a week (in hours mind you) that we spend talking, BlackBerry messaging, emailing, texting or seeing each other face to face and it was determined that I (one person) gets a large chunk of time while the remainder has to be divided between all the other friends and personal time.  This is what I get for dating a genius, I was speechless, the only thing that ever transcends my spoiled bratitude is logic and that is what I was getting.  So needless to say I changed the subject and smiled to myself that I have someone who understands me and appreciates the good, the hood and everything in between.

In the midst of that was the altercation but all I will say about that is if you jump fly at me please believe that there is something in my genetic make up that forces me to jump fly back.  If you raise your voice, my voice automatically begins to modulate and increase in volume to meet or exceed the voice of the person yelling and today I had to make an example of someone.  Ultimately, they made their point and because they were the person in charge of the process I had to go with the final decision but my point was crystal clear and I am going to prove it in the long run...bwahahahahahahaha!! (that is my payback laugh)

And  now to the revelation, I was looking at my FaceBook today and it seemed that a lot of people were just in the mulligrubs.  And the common theme was relationships, broken friendships and how they would not let themselves be hurt again.  I thought about it and even though I have said it before I know that I can no longer make that same claim. While I am not an advocate of allowing yourself to be a doormat to those around you, I do know that no relationship is free of heartache and hurt feelings.  I know that the reason I live so easy is because I love so hard.  Everyday I put my heart on the line in the hopes that the person (people) that I bare it to will take care of it as I do there's,  Some days that happens and some days it does not but regardless every morning I put it back on the line.  I dare not say that I will not be hurt again, because I may..it is not always detrimental but sometimes the littlest cuts cause the most pain.  And I am not perfect, even in my current relationship, I have done and said things that hurt. But one thing we both know is that at the end of the day we are happy, for the most part drama free and all the days of good we have under our belt buffers the few moments of not so good that we may come across. 

I do not pretend to know it all, I am no expert, but what I do know is that it has been during my most broken moments that I have made the most progress.  The times that I swore I would never let anyone close to me for fear of being hurt, I have closed out those that have come to love me the most.  Life has no guarantees, you never know where certain roads will lead you until you take them.  There is a difference between cautious and closed.  All the walls and locks are a diversion and a defense mechanism that may block your future.  The walls that we build to keep ourselves in, inadvertently keep others out as well. Vulnerability is not a bad word and it is not a weakness, show someone your heart and you just may find that they have the key...