525,600 Minutes...How Do You Measure A Year....

Coming this weekend....Natural Hair Diary (Week 1)...Holiday Manicures (2 New Orly Polishes)...Make-up Haul (For B. Smith and my namesake)

For today a song and a quick comment...


I remember when I first saw Rent and I heard this song.  It raised a valid question, How do you measure a year? Looking over the last 365 days I can see where my measurement tool has went wrong.  I know where there has been some mismanagement and I can clearly see where I have let time slip through my hands (like the sands of the hourglass (dramatic I know but I couldn't help myself)...But everyday is a new day, a chance to start a new 365, a new cycle, new habits and  better choices. So tomorrow, I am going to try to wake up a little earlier...produce a bit more and break some of the cycles that I have gotten myself into...wish me luck, you know I will tell you all about it!!

Things I Wish I Had Never Seen...Bobby Brown, Macy Gray Edition

Picture it...10 p.m. on a Monday Night.  I am in my living room watching the MoNique Show and after she finishes "doing it till she is satisfied" and she wraps up her monologue she announces her first guest.  I glance up at the TV and see that it is Macy Gray.  Now look-y here, I have no problem with Ms. Gray.  "I Try" ,  "Still" and "Sweet Baby" are still a few of my favorite songs.  I just could not have been prepared for the hot mess that exploded on my TV screen.  I can not even give words to what it sounded like. It started off almost promising, the band was doing their thang but then from the elevator doors, all I could see was a shiny blue suit, scuffed white sneakers and a hat.  Underneath all of that was Bobby Brown!!!  Yes, the TENDER RONI, MY PREROGATIVE, WHITNEY'S EX- BOBBY BROWN.  I almost choked on my grape kool-aid.  THEY sounded terrible.  Like he had been chewing on glass in the back and then decided to come sing a song.  I just don' t know what to say, I looked for the live performance on line and could not find it (maybe that was a blessing in disguise) But of course there is an official video.  I don't know whether to apologize for introducing you to this song or to thank you for sharing the pain with me..Either way, here it goes....

Waiting to Exhale

Without the drama of course....

Right now I am sitting in a big comfy chair, drinking a Raspberry smoothie. I was reading a book on my nook and then I realized something, I was child free. Now before you call protective services on me, he is not alone at home or locked in the car with a small slit in the window and a bottle of water. He is currently in the care of a very close friend who offered to watch him while I got my do did and go to a relaxing, chicken nugget free, adults only dinner.

The reason this is a big deal to me is because generally I am a "where I go, my kid goes kind of parent". My son is ride or die! He loves our normally active and busy lifestyle and I do too. It's just that every now and again, Momma needs a break. Being a single parent is the hardest job I have ever had to do and it's the most rewarding. But being the go to parent all day everyday is tiring and today I embrace these few hours.

To all my friends who have ever stood in for me and fed and entertained my rambunctious four year old you are appreciated (especially those of you with no kids! Haha! I am sure the Lord will bless your sacrifice). You have no idea how much these couple hours have recharged me. My mind seems clearer. My disciplinary tone is rested and for just a few minutes I reclined in this big comfy chair, took a sip of my raspberry smoothie and I exhaled.....

(p.s. This is the first blog posted from my iPhone. Pardon any formatting issues please be patient with me and this new fangled technology hahaha)

(p.p.s. You know I couldn't not add this song! Click Here )

If Loving You is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right...

....If being right means being without you, I rather be wrong than right... 



Soooo...I got a message the other day from an old friend that said something to the same effect of Mr. Ingram.  And I was flattered for a moment because this old friend and I go way back..Back to talent shows and SAT prep classes.  When music was real, and the only worry we had was college choice.  Anyway, I got the message and I had to really deal with some things.  First off, the individual is married.  He claims everything is horrible, that she doesn't understand him.  That she never loved him like I love him and it all sounded good for a while.  He called everyday, he sent wonderful songs to me, he wrote poetry and always had something great to say.  It was a dream come true.  Someone who knew me for so long that understood me.  Someone that appreciated my value and recognized my worth.  It seemed too good to be true and it was.  The first time I realized that it was wrong ( I know you are saying that I should have known when he said he was married, I agree and we all make mistakes...Dont Judge me!) was the first time in our "relationship" that I needed to talk to him and it was not during our usual hours.  I couldn't just call him or send him messages because his wife checked the phone records.  I thought about how selfish the relationship was, I was always on call for him and he sought me at his leisure.  That was not enough for me to end all communication, but it made me think.  I know I was wrong, I know my heart would break if I would have been the wife on the other end of the relationship.  After a few months, I broke things off and endeavored to let it all go.  A short time after that he announced on FaceBook that him and his wife were expecting a baby.  So the whole "she gives me no sex" thing was obviously a lie and I felt like boo boo the two headed fool!

Now...all this happened over a year ago but watching Fantasia For Real the other night brought some of the memories flowing back and reminded me why I let it go.  (See Interview Here)  Fantasia got involved with an allegedly separated man and to make what could be a long story short - it led to a lawsuit, a media frenzy and a suicide attempt.

I am so thankful that my situation did not turn out that way.  I was blessed to have a last drop of decency and good sense to let it go before more people got involved which brings me to the title of this blog. If loving you is wrong, I dont want to be right?! Who thinks like that, who does that, why is that an acceptable train of thought.  Love should never come with so much compromise.  It should never flourish in the face of someone else dying.  I get it, all relationships aren't happy and every marriage is not working..But if he/she loves you for real they will love you enough to keep your life drama free.  Call me when you leave the courthouse! Be ready to sign those papers! If not I can only assume that you are not as tired as you claim to be!

Fly is never fake...and that old "I'll Take Your Man" mentality has got to stop.  Who knows what would have happened had I not came to my senses.  I just know that I am glad that I will not have to find out!!

Do you know what today is....

Today is November 2, 2010. It is election day!! Can you believe that it has been almost two years since we, as  a country, elected Barack H. Obama as the 44th President of the United States.  I woke up this morning and to be honest I did not feel like doing much of anything.  I was tired, and I just wanted to relax.  I grabbed my new bff iPhonia and did some social networking and noticed that quite a few friends/followers were hitting the polls.  At that moment I realized how important it was to 'Rock the Vote'.  I got to the polls and felt energized.  Me and my son were doing our part.  Unfortunately not a lot of people were compelled to do the same.  The polling location was empty. There was no chatter, no great discussions on the importance of casting your ballot! It looked nothing like the polling place of 2008 that was full of people, life, and a sense of liberty.

It appears that some people think that they only have to vote once and things will change.  Maybe 2008 was emotional, maybe people felt that there was more at stake.  The reality is that every election year is important.  Even if we are not electing a President, we are voting for the elected officials that will be our voice to the President and that is equally if not more so important.

All I can think about is the time when me, as a black woman, would not have been able to vote.  I had no voice, no say and no opinion.  I am grateful for the rights to speak, to pray, to vote.  I can sit where I want on the bus, drink out of any water fountain, use the front door to enter and exit establishments and all that is because someone flexed their right to vote. 

So today I voted.  I voted for freedom, I voted for change, I voted for peace.  Today I voted for judges, officials, constitutional amendments and state legislator.  Today I voted for me, I voted for my country and I sowed a seed into the future - I voted with my Son.

If you haven't made a difference yet, it is not too late.  Most polls will not close until 7pm (in your local area) and some will be open as late as Midnight (mostly on the west coast).

Please take time to cast your vote.  If you will not cast, you can not complain.  Make your voice heard, your opinion matters and so do you.

What Becomes of A Broken Heart...

I am not too sure, but the question has me in reflect mode and I have decided to write a letter...

(Musical Sidebar: Soooooo..there has been a song playing over and over again in my head lately and the title (not so much the lyrics) really got me thinking Click Here to find out what it is.....)
 
Back to the letter...
   

I remember when we were close, it seems that lately you are not the same. I don't blame you though, a lot has happened over the last year. There were bound to be some changes.  Sometimes things happen and before you know it so much time has passed and so many things have been left unsaid that there is no way to get back to where we were then, and that's okay.  I have accepted that.  But that can not be where it ends.  I take responsibility for the way things have been up to this point.  I saw when it began to spiral out of control and I did nothing about it.  I could see when you began to change.  I could sense when the burden became to much to bear and still I did nothing.  I saw when you needed release, I was there when all you needed was time to make sense of it all and I did not give you that.  I sit back now and try to make sense of why I could not be there to encourage you, to see you through it all and the only thing that I can come up with is that I didn't want to face it.  It seemed that the more I ignored the issues the further away they became.  If I didn't mention the pain, for a brief moment the pain disappeared. 

     I know there is no excuse for the way I treated you.  I was suppose to cover you, shelter you and protect you until you were stronger and I failed. Epically I failed. But I am ready now, I have taken a moment to contemplate where it all went wrong and I am ready.  I no longer wish to cover it up, I no longer desire to lock you away. I realize now that what people see externally is a direct reflection of you and I want you to be exhibited properly.  The question always is what becomes of a broken heart, and now I know the answer - nothing! Until I make peace with the pain and the past, it stays broken. So this letter is for you..I am glad to be connected to you again...To feel you beating in my chest...I still feel the ache but you are no longer broken...I have tried to ignore you, bury you and then hide behind you and none of it worked.  So today I follow you..I allow you back on my sleeve where you usually reside...Nobody said it would be easy, but a cold heartless life is not a life at all...So I suppose the song that has been in my head was right on cue..I am finding my way back to something...it's not a person, nor is it a place.  I am finding my way back to me, to my heart and I must say it sure feels good...

Fly is not about fakin' it 'til you make it...Be real, Be Encouraged and please Be Yourself...

Secrets, Solace, Sanity...

Just so you know I am purposely going to ignore the fact that I went from blogging everyday to not blogging in almost two months and I am going to write this one as if I never stopped...No grandiose apologies or promises...just a fresh start with a consistent follow through..okay, here goes--
 

I was watching a random episode of Criminal Minds a couple of nights ago and at the end one of the team members recited the following quote (don't judge me)..

"If we knew each others secrets, what comforts we should find." -  John Churton Collins

It struck a chord with me and it has seemingly removed the severe case of blogger's block that I totally tried not to mention in the first few sentences of this very post.  Now back to the qoute--it did not spark my interest because I have a ton of secrets.  There are things in my life that I hold dear and are too precious for me to make known to the masses.  There are also some things that I promised either myself, the Lord, or a close friend that I would take to the grave (and please believe that sworn promise has not changed)! But outside of those few things I tend to be a very full disclosure type person.  If you have ever read any of my blogs, I am very in tune with my emotions and I have no problem articulating how I feel about any number of things so I believe that it is safe to say that secrets are not one of my vices. 


What caused me to rewind the DVR and take notice of the saying was the latter end. What if we all were ready to share those things that make us unique.  What if we were able to call one person and share those things that keep us up at nights, those things that cause the tears to flow in the late night hours.  What would happen if you knew that no matter what you shared of yourself, there would be no judgment and no backlash.  Well, according to the quote, there would be comfort.  Not a "I know all your business" comfort. nor is it a "I am better than you" comfort; it's a comfort that comes from knowing that you are human and it is okay to be vulnerable and not know what to do. A comfort that you find when you have that special person or circle of people that you can be who you are without pretense and know that no matter what happens they will be there with either a kleenex to wipe away the tears or a weapon to hurt who caused them.

After pondering the quote for a few days,  I realized that I am so lucky to have an icebox to keep my secrets in.  When things get especially difficult or hard to bear, comfort is a phone call away, and there is nothing more valuable to me than that.  When it is all said and done, I hope that I have been/am that person for someone else. Having a secret is not nearly as important as being able to keep one and providing someone an opportunity to vent and share their heart can not be measured.  


Sidenote: I think I am free from my severe case of blogger's block...it feels good to let my heart bleed on to these keys...I'm off to bed now, thanks for hanging in there with me...patience is a virtue I admire and I appreciate all that have shown it...


Sidenote 2: I randomly have the urge to hear Alicia Keys - Diary,  one day I will feel an emotion or think a thought and I won't have a corresponding song...one day (maybe)!

Having an EMO moment...

Hey there...I know I know, all my empty promises to do better and blog faithfully, religiously and consistently have been an epic fail...I wish I could apologize but I am afraid that it would be empty and I do not want to keep apologizing and not change so we shall see...I love my blog so I will try to treat it as such..

There are so many things that I could write about.  I have made so many awesome connections.  Increased my make-up kit exponentially, had an awesome client but for some reason I am not feeling that.  One thing about me is that I am not a faker.  All those things are great and I will get to them in due time but tonight my heart is not in those things...tonight my heart is a mess...(lol--but not really)

I am a firm believer in growth through brokenness.  I know for a fact that there are times where I have not changed because I have refused to identify and change the aspects of the issues that are soley mine.  Tonight I feel the weight of that. How is it that I have so many friends yet I feel more alone now than I have ever felt. There are so many things that are going right, but something in my heart feels so wrong. I do not know what it is and I cannot blame anyone else for the feeling.  It is just there.

There are some things that I do know. I am not perfect, I am a fallible human being that tends to get things wrong sometimes but I try to make it work.  Sometimes I think the issue is, I am always trying to be a hero.  It is always my heart to be so strong, to keep it together..to handle my handle.  I am willing to admit right now that I cannot always do that, not successfully.   I know that another part of the feeling is that "tonight I want to be somebody's somebody" (Prince), I love..love..it's who I am..I think that somewhere on the inside of me there is a switch that regardless of the circumstance is stuck in 'heart on sleeve' mode.  Don't get me wrong, I am not upset about that, it is who I am but sometimes I do wish that I could cover it up.  Sometimes I wish that you couldn't see me sweat.  Sometimes I wish I knew how to build walls, barriers a dag on Tee-Pee to protect myself..But no matter how much I wish it were so, it is not..so here goes my sleeve..attached is my heart and that's that...sometimes broken and bruised, battered and bashed but always beating nonetheless. When it is all said and done, here's who I am...

#end pity party

Transition Tuesday...

Hellooooooo...I keep taking these extended breaks and when I come back and blog it feels that I have been away forever..

There have been so many things that have taken place over the last week..First off I had to move and that was nothing short of a hot mess...The movers took 4 hours longer then what was scheduled and even had to come back the next day to finish.  In the midst of all of that I had to prepare for my Church's annual picnic--which was Awesome--and it was hot as SIN outside.  And to top it all off, all week long I have been out-processing the  military!!

I am now a civilian, straight up and down! I feel like I have escaped from my very own personal prison! I am trading my steel toe boots in for stilettos and my pony tail holder in for an afro pick! So if you notice an increase in my blog activity it is because I have some free time now to do what I enjoy!

*sneek peak - tomorrow I will be blogging about my consult with renowned makeup artist Jennifer James :) *

Remember love is life and life is living!! Enjoy it all!

And it Begins...My Journey into Make-up Artistry

I realized something today, the best blogs are like old friends.  Even when you don't talk to them everyday when you finally catch up with them its like no time has passed at all.  Now I know that I should update everyday sometimes multiple times a day but it is good to know that I have some faithful readers that always pick up right where I left off...

These last few days have been so busy but I am excited.  My vision of becoming a make-up artist (MUA) is in full effect..The other day I shared that I was blessed with some finances and it was just in time for something very special.  Well here goes the great news!!

Earlier this week I was on my part time job (Twitter-hahaha) and I noticed a very interesting tweet by a seasoned MUA, with an impressive and diverse portfolio, in my timeline.  @JenniferJamesBeauty was offering 1 on 1 personal beauty sessions for a small fee (let me say that there is no price that can be put on her energy, her professionalism and her sweet spirit..she is truly a blessing).  Needless to say, I signed up immediately and once Jennifer James called me to talk more about my consultation, I could have fainted. I mean, I do tend to believe that everything I want I can have if I extend my faith and its in the will of God, but this was too much. I shared with her the items that I already had in my flygirl inventory, she made some awesome recommendations and sent me out into the world to begin filling holes in my personal stash. Now I don't know about you but when I have a dream and it begins to come into fruition, I get excited.  I sorta kept my cool on the phone and then went to call my entire flirty, fabulous and free fam and tell them that I had met the catalyst for my future endeavors.

It is amazing to me how one conversation, one person, one phone call can help solidify something that you believe in.  I knew that within my life plan, I would someday be a MUA and I knew that in order to do that, some things would have to come to pass, I just did not know that it would be now.  Jennifer has been awesome and so has some of the other MUA's in my Twitter family.  I even got a response from @samfinebeauty to a question about his latest DVD. Later on this week, I will begin to introduce some of these wonderful people and share some of the awesome tips that I have been getting all weekend.

I cannot wait to do a M A C haul blog and to tell you all about my skype session later in this week..until then the #1 beauty tip that I can give is get your rest...beauty sleep is not a myth it is a necessity!  

*click on the links to visit the pages of anyone mentioned in the blog!*

C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)

Sidebar: Looka here, if one more person sends me a threatening message about me not posting everyday we are going to fight...I am trying..well not hard enough, but I will endeavor to do better.  One of lovely new Tweeps Misha or @TheFabChick as she is known in the twitter world, offered me some lovely advice (Click on her name or her Twitter Link to experience sheer fabulousness, I love her tweets and her blog is a great read for any fashionista out there). 

I posted a tweet that said:


"I'm such a fair-weather blogger. I write a good one and wonder how I will ever top it...I need to be more committed."

Her response was hilarious and true:

  

@cocoanaturale gotta marry it! put a ring on it and say till death do you part with it... lol

I realize that she is right, I have always known that I needed to develop some type of sticktoitiveness to be a blogger and I am up for the challenge.  I love to write and surely with the random things that take place in my life, I wouldn't believe half of it if I did not put it here for the world to see!

Now to the regular scheduled programming....In my last blog, I shared that something crazy happened to me yesterday (as usual) so I guess what better time then now to tell it.  The story starts back in November when I dropped out of school, allegedly because I was heart broken and love sick -- truth is, I was being lazy and I did not feel like pressing through personal issues and handling my business.  Anyway, I left school and chilled for a few months thinking I could not go back until I payed for the classes that I dropped. Fast forward to last week...I received an email from my old academic counselor encouraging me to come back so I called her and told her my situation and she signed me up for classes for the next semester which starts next week pending a talk with financial aid.  To make a long story short, financial aid cleared me for re-entry, stated that I did not indeed owe a balance and that I could start school as planned.  I was so excited, I love school.  I am a straight A student and I enjoy every bit of the process so I logged right into my student portal to look at my degree progress and snoop around.  In the midst of my record review, I happened upon a section that listed all of the financial transactions on my account and I noticed a transaction listed that said stipend from back in Februay.


At this point I am like...hmmm--what is this, so I call the Financial Aid lady back and she stated that I still had some good old fashioned free money (i.e. Pell Grant) money left in my account and they sent a check to me in February.  I almost dropped the phone! I remembered receiving a letter from them but I figured it was an invoice for the class that I dropped so in true Negro fashion I never opened it. (I know, I know--I am on the road to financial freedom and debt free living, it was just a ghetto lapse in judgment) 


I got off the phone with the lady and decided to run home and see if I could find this letter, now almost 4 months old. It was a 50-50 chance and worse case scenerio they would have just issued another check but I just had to look.  I walked in the door, walked over to where I thought it might, could, hopefully, wished and prayed it would be and guess what---I found it.  


You could have pushed me over with your thoughts.  For four months there was a nice chunk of change right under my nose waiting to be discovered and I could have used it on more than one occasion.  At first I was through with myself for not opening the letter when I got it.  That thought went away when I realized that everything happens for a reason and just think, it was like having a bunch of money in a savings account that you do not see/touch.  Either way, I am glad to have it and it came at a perfect time too, just in time for me to----(tell you tomorrow!!)


Fly is not always easy but it sure is Fun--

Later XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

A series of Random Events..

So this weekend proved to be rather eventful and I really did not know if I had the energy to write about it. Okay that is only half true, so much happened I did not feel like writing about it is closer to the truth. But anyway, I am ready now...

This weekend proved to be one of those weekends that change you and how you view your life and where it is headed.  For the last few months, I have been living life a little "willy-nilly", and it all came to a head, so to speak, on Friday night. I won't go into all the random details but I will say this it involved the spiking of my coca-cola (alledgedly--I needed to loosen up a bit), a chemistry-less kiss, an argument that I did not find out the root of until Monday, and the shedding of tears by some new friends. All in all it was a bit much but I learned some valuable lessons that I am ready to share.

Lesson #1 - When in a room full of people in various stages of drunkeness, if you do not plan on drinking, get your OWN bevarage.  No matter how close you are to the individuals--alcohol makes people do crazy things.

Lesson #2 - If you do drink, and you have a taste for Vanilla Coke--3 parts coca-cola and 1 part Crown Royal will meet that need.

Lesson #3 - No matter how old you are peer pressure is a part of life. However (comma) it is not an excuse.  The reality of life is no matter what you may say, everything you do is because you want to.  Excuses only come after you realize "you done" messed it all up.

Lesson #4 - Testing the Lord is not a good idea.  Example - Lord I know that I said that I would not do this thing any more (whatever it is you know you shouldn't do) but I want to see if I am really over it. News flash - I am stupid! Thankfully, the Lord showed some grace and it turned out well, there was no love lost - literally! I kept all my virtue and I am on the mend.

Lesson #5 - Be who you are, do you, stay true to what you believe in..because if you are not, it is a long journey from who you have become back to who you were created to be. I cannot become a bad girl because people do not like squares.  I can not become your dream girl-I have to be what you like when you meet me. Potential is not enough, who I am today is what you see.  I can only be who I am, I like it and I need to walk in it!

Overall, I am glad that it all happened. I have seen some parts of me that need to change and I am a work in progress. Sometimes you do not know where you are until you are shown. And I have truly seen myself this past weekend. I am not upset, I have been fortified and have packed away the lessons for future reference. 

Now wait until you hear what happened to me yesterday! LOL...

Friendship Friday ~ Quick Quote of the Day

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”  ~unknown

Today I am grateful for the people that are in my life that make the days more interesting and the evenings bearable.  I was on the phone with a friend that I had since I was in elementary school and he was reading a blog from a few days ago and I made mention to a particular event and he messaged me to tell me he remembered it! How awesome is it in 2010 to have a person that is not related to you share an event with you from 1989.  If you don't know I will tell you--It is awesome.

So today I celebrate friendship! New ones and old ones.  Face to face ones and long distance ones.  Virtual ones and ones that have need to be watered.  I am grateful for all of you and I know that I need you in my life.  It has been said that friends are the family that you get to choose and I am blessed that you all at some point chose me.

A funny thing happened on the way home...

Today Yesterday was going to be throwback Thursday and I was going to tell a funny story about something that happened to me some years ago that had an effect on me.  Well leave it to my life to change that.  I was on the way home and since me and the boy had not had dinner yet I decided to grab some fine McDonald's Cuisine (sans toy because my son has had some behavior issues and nothing says loving like an 'un-Happy Meal) before we headed to the house. I was extremely excited because I had an  Oreo McFlurry and I had been feening for something sweet. 

So..we drive home and just as we go to turn left into the housing gate (I live on a military base) the officer at the gate directs me to turn into another area.  At this point, I do not know what is going on, all I know is that I have a sweet tea and a McFlurry that was calling my name and I did not have time to play these Major Payne war games. I pull into the designated area and immediately my truck is flanked by random high ranking military members and police officers.  All I could think about was "Oh Lord, whose cheerios did I pee in to make them get me like this?", it was 11:00 and all I wanted to do was go home and lay it down. One of the random Men in Uniform (sort of like Men in Black with no one nearly as fine as Will Smith) informed me that this was a random measure to submit all active duty personnel that came through this particular gate to random drug testing.  I looked at him like he was crazy, not because of the drug testing, but because of the fate of my delicious yet melting Oreo delight that was in my cup holder. 

Well..after the officer searched my vehicle and made me put my phone in my glove box (nobody puts Berry in a glove box, I will be writing a strongly worded letter about that!) me and my son had to board a bus to be taken to the Urinalysis testing area.  Now for you civilians that may happen to come across this blog, drug testing in the military is very evasive.  Once in a stall, an observer has to see the urine leave your--I will just say body--and enter the cup.  There is no pee and place in a window. Someone is there with you from the time you get your cup in your hand to the time you are placing it, full, on the counter to be sealed and packaged for shipment to the lab.  It is a rather embarrassing process but thankfully I do not have shy bladder and while the nice lady rattled on about something, I did my thing and made haste out of the restroom.

Once I finished my duty so to speak, I was allowed to retrieve my belongings, to include my 4 year old, and wait for a bus ride back to the housing gate where my truck, my BlackBerry and my Oreo McFlurry waited for my return.  Once in the car, to my dismay, my ice cream was melted, my cell phone was acting up because of the temporary neglect and my son was delirious from a lack of sleep.  It was now after midnight and all I had to show for it was an empty bladder, a wilted side salad, a watered down sweet tea and 43 missed tweets..so much for throwback Thursday, this is more like Melted McFlurry Friday!!! 

Give me you...

Give me you, give me all of you... --Mary J. Blige

I know that my blogs of late have been very "relationshipy" but it is what it is.  I do have a couple of other things in mind but I can only go with what's on my heart.  All day long I have been thinking of my future and what I want out of it.  And all day long I have seen people's social networking statuses forsake one horrible situation after another.  Is anyone happy? Anyone Dangerously in Love (thanks Beyonce)? Did everyone settle? Is anyone satisfied with their current situations? I choose to believe that the answer is yes, they are just to busy being happy to tell about! I rejoice with those that rejoice! That is all...On to something else...

Some Say the Blacker the Berry...

....the sweeter the juice; the darker the flesh, the deeper the roots....

On so many levels that should be beneficial to a deep chocolate sister like me..but oh no, I am here to tell you it is not.

Picture it elementary school 1989, I was in the fifth grade and I developed my very first crush.  His name was Wi--okay I am not saying, but anyway--he was handsome, smart, fit and he looked simply dashing in his school uniform. One day one of my friends went and told him that I was pining over him, unbeknown to me of course, that is until she came over to me and shared his reply.  My crush thought I was nice but he was not interested because I was just to dark.  Up until that point my complexion was never really an issue for me.  My mom was caramel complected and my daddy is very dark so I saw both ends of the spectrum. I did not understand what the big deal was then and I had no idea that is was the beginning of a cycle that still has not broken in my life.

To understand me there are a couple of things that you must know.  I have always been the girl thathad a large circle of friends because of my sense of humor and my quick wit.  I never struggled in making and keeping friends, male or female. Once I got to high school and really begin to "smell myself" like my grandmother would say, I began to hear one common line from the opposite sex (that I still hear).  "Yeah, I know her...do I like her?..I mean yeah she cool...she is cute to be a Dark-skinned girl." What the....? When did cute have a complexion clause.  I am so sick of the light is right--black is whack attitude that I get all the time in the dating arena. 

There are certain things about myself that I will not/cannot change. I am who I am, the skin I'm in is alright by me..No, I am not trying to revisit the Back to Africa movement. No, I do not rock a fist pick in my curly fro. No my ringtone does not chime 'Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud' (even though I am) and no I have not raised a fist for the cause and chanted Power to the People at various hours of the night but that does not change the fact that I am a black woman, phenomenally (shout out to Maya Angelou). I have feelings and emotions..issues and problems like everyone else regardless of their skin tone. But what I do not have and what I will not make part of my life is a complex about my complexion...Thank you India Arie for loving Brown Skin and thank you Eric Benet for going home to Chocolate Legs...Everyone is entitled to have a preference, we all have certain characteristics that we find pleasing over others--I get it.  I am not a hater, all I am saying is chocolate girls need love too.

"Settle for my love.." H-e-l-l Nah!!

Sike!!! It seems that there was a sign posted over my head once I became single a couple of weeks ago that said I was desperately seeking someone…News Flash—NOT TRUE!!

I love being in love, don't miss me--I love to cook, nurture and back it up all in the name of L-O-V-E but one thing my last relationship did for me was show me that I did not/do not have to settle. I will admit that in times gone by I would tolerate/settle for things that I surely should not have. Whether it was a person whose belief system was different than mine or someone who had nasty habits that I did not share, desire, or enjoy—I allowed people in my life that just were not qualified. I have now placed a zero tolerance policy for these things on future relationships. I get that people are not perfect, I am not seeking perfection. I would however like peace. I do not curse so I don’t want to date sailor mouth Mike..I have one child so your 6 children are a bit much for me. I do not smoke so can you’re your black & mild or your Newport 100’s please blow your second hand smoke over there -->

I do not think that it is too much to ask and if it is, I am willing to be single and risk it. Settle and desperate are not synonymous with the word single...

So with that being said:

Random person #1: I appreciate the texts and phone calls but I have not seen you in ten years and I am suspicious of your intentions. It is flattering creepy that you care about me and desire to be with me and you don’t really know me like that. Honestly that seems like some female type stuff to me--but more importantly who wants to enter a long distance relationship after only talking to a person for a week or so, I am thinking you are a little lonely and I unfortunately am not the solution…

Random person #2: I love a person that is honest…however your admission to having 6 kids and 2 felonies takes you out of the running. It is good to hear that you have dreams and a plan. But potential has never saved a life nor will it be the foundation of any relationship. It was very nice interesting talking to you. Good luck with your probation/parole.

Random person #3: I am proud of you for all your accomplishments, it is awesome that you have known success in different business arenas we all desire prosperity. However, when I ask a question about your endeavors and your response is foreign to me you cannot get upset. I mean you are not the POTUS; I have not been on watch for your particular trade. I apologize that me not having heard of you or your business hurts but telling me to Google you was too much. (Sidebar: I did it because I really wanted to know what the individual was talking about—the article was from 2004 and only mentioned the person in two sentences. Chile boom!)

I am not desperate. I love me and I will not settle for something that causes me to sacrifice that..so for now I will enjoy being fabulous, flirty, free and of course Fly…

MAC and Macy's (STL Edition)

First let me say that I have never met a mall that I did not like..especially when it has a beautiful make up counter.  While in St. Louis on business, I decided to stop into Macy's and see what I could buy.  The first thing that I noticed when I walked in and made my way to my favorite counter was a beautiful Carol's daughter counter.  I was a little disappointed that I straightened my hair for the trip and was not in curly girl form as usual.  I decided that I once I got home I would look into some products and make up for not being able to stop in.

After walking past a few other things, I happened across what I had been looking for...(cue angelic harmony) the MAC counter.  The first thing that I noticed was that there was a woman at the counter that looked like me.  Do not get me wrong I have no color preference when it comes to shopping for make up.  It does not matter what color you are as long as you understand how to work with my skin tone I am good to go.  But it was good to see another chocolate girl with beautiful skin and some RED..I mean Red lips!

Anyway...on to my finds--my first stop was the blush area. I just dived into the blush wearing arena a couple of weeks ago with my purchase of Raizin during my last big MAC purchasing event and I figured I was ready for something with a little more color. After testing a few different powders, the chocolate MAC associate recommended a cream (Laid Back).  After I gave her the 'side eye' I decided to let her do her thing and apply it to the apple of my cheek and I am here to tell you--I loved it.  The color is a very rich berry with brown undertones and it did wonders to add dimension to my normal matte finish. Overall, a little went a long way and she introduced me to my favorite brush's  little brother, the 188 brush (not pictured, but purchased).

Next came my quest for a lipstick. I am generally a lip gloss kinda girl but I wanted something a little more mature and with more color pay off. I decided to go for a color from the Viva Glam collections so that I could not only be fly but I could also do something, albeit a small something, in the fight against AIDS/HIV.  I decided on Viva Glam VI, it is a beautiful pearl plum that goes on smooth and when paired with a chestnut or nightmoth lipliner and my new Decorative Lustreglass lipgloss gave me the prettiest purple lips ever (not purple like the hyena in Lion King purple--purple as in Purple Kisses by The Dream purple!!)

As I was walking to the counter to pay for my addiction purchases, out of the corner of my eye I spotted the prettiest reddish/orangey eyeshadow on a small yet colorful display in the middle of the sales floor. I walked over and saw that it was the new To The Beach collection and it had just debuted that day.  The first thing that I noticed was the packaging, the shadows were housed in a green (the website says chartreuse) container with a seashell on the lid. Once I got past that, I reconnected with the shadow I saw moments earlier and her name was Firecracker! I had to have it, I also picked up a MAC staple color that was rereleased in this collection, Humid--in all its green glory.  I could not leave without something 'beachy" for my soup coolers so I grabbed a new tinted lipglass in Flurry of Fun that I can only describe as peachy golden goodness. It looks great alone or paired with your favorite liner, lipstick combination (and it has a seahorse on the cap--it's the little things that please me. 

When I got home I felt like a kid in a candy store with my new summer colors and my second blush.  I rate this business trip a sucess!!

Home is where the Heart is....

Im baaaaaaaaaa-aaaaack!

I know I have not been on my blog job like I usually am but I was the front row passenger on an emotional roller coaster and I just recently unbuckled the seat belt.  My plan is to make up for it today and possibly tomorrow with a couple of make-up blogs (sorry for those who could care less about my habit) and then we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I have so missed being able to pour my heart out on these pages and I thank all of you who have sent me messages and emails looking for "your fix".  Over the next coming weeks I am going to be trying to really decide what overall direction I want F.G.I. (Fly Girl Interrupted) to go in and if I am ready to drop the anonymity and come out of the blogging closet. Depending on what I decide, look forward to a few minor changes to spruce things up a bit.

When I'm loving you, loving you, loving you....

...why would you wanna break up?

The answer to that is simple...because sometimes you just have to..Sometimes the things that we want are not the things that we ought have.  Sometimes that thing we work so hard to hold on to is the very thing that is killing us softly from the inside out.  For the first time I have had to let something go that I wanted very badly for the sake of something that was much more important. And you know what, I am doing okay.  For the last four months, I have loved, laughed, and lived like I never have before.  I believe that the relationship that I was in, regardless of the outcome, was a necessary part of my growth, my maturity and my future.  I learned things about me, about life and about love that I never knew before and for that I am grateful.

Today I have no anecdotes or answers.  No cool quotes or charismatic rhetoric.  I put my heart on the line and it was broken for a moment but when I looked at it closely I realized that the breaking was only external.  I see that even in the midst of the brokenness, my heart had been given a chance to grow larger and the blood has been flowing better ever since.

There are so many things that I wish I could say but I will not, what's done is done.  But in closing, I will say this.  If you have never known what it is like to love with everything, to put caution to the wind and be completely naked and vulnerable with someone.  I highly recommend it.  The dissolution of this chapter in my life will not change the way I love nor will it change my approach to relationships.  I still believe that you get what you give, so I love hard so that I can live easy..But most importantly I still believe in love--real love, good love, strong love, reciprocated love, patient, unfailing, unconditional, never knew a love like this before love!! And because of that, I still believe that true love exists and is available to those that desire it, I still believe that people can be trusted and that I deserve greatness.

So today I say goodbye, not to love but to the past.  I love you and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to experience you.  I have no regrets and looking out across the horizon, I still see the sun regardless of the clouds and I know that we both will be fine.  We have chosen to walk away not because things were bad, but because we loved each other enough to value something greater than our selfish desires and to me there is no greater love.  I look forward to the transition that is already taking place in our relationship and I gladly accept and reciprocate your friendship.  For everything there is a season--ours has changed..but just as the spring rain brings summer flowers, I hope that the tears and the temporary hurt of yesterday become the water for our tomorrows..

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

S-T-L..bound...

I am going on a brief vaca--I mean business trip in a few hours and I just finished packing.  I know I should have done it earlier but I do not regret one minute of my day..I hung out with some old friends and came home and kicked it with some new ones.  I know I will pay for it later on but for now adrenaline is doing exactly what it needs to.

Leaving for me is bittersweet.  I am glad to be getting away on the companies dime for a week and I am excited to just get some rest but at the same time I am going to miss a couple of things about home.  In other words I had to leave my baby (my son) and my S.O. (Significant Other) behind.  Now I know I have a flare for drama, I know that I will only be gone for a week and that I surely will not die.  That however does not change the fact that I will miss them, matter of fact I miss them already.

*tear*

Anyway, I will have my laptop so I will still be blogging random musings and hopefully some pics from the trip...See ya in St Louis!!

Back that thing up...

buy a compact sedan, get a spotter or take the bus...

I don't know how I always end up in some random situation but as I was pulling into Dillard's today (home of my favorite MAC counter) I was chit-chatting on my boo (my BlackBerry) with my boo so I decided to stay in the car for a few more minutes after I secured my vehicle in a parking spot.  Once I got off the phone, I mentally made a list of the things I wanted to accomplish on this lunch break and was interrupted by the sound of metal on metal.  I glanced up in time to see a lady in a big ole Chevy 1500 scraping the side of some poor soccer mom's Caravan that was parked in front of me.

Immediately the driver of the raggedy truck began to look around to see if anyone had saw the incident and I just looked at her and shrugged. She continued to keep pulling into the space, finish scraping the door and then proceeded to get out of the truck.  At this point, the Nancy Drew in me had already written down the tag numbers and was prepared to call 5.0 if this woman did not do the responsible thing and leave her information and guess what....................................................she didn't!!

Do you know how mad I would have been if I came out of the mall to find my passenger door all beat up and a truck that closely resembled 'Mater from Cars parked beside me with no note...I was not letting it go down, call it what you want--I will be a tattle, a snitch, a rat-- but I know that I was there for a reason and I was not about to pass up a chance to be civilly responsible. 

I called the police and they came and took a report and got my information in case the victim needed it for there insurance company.  I do not know what the other lady was thinking, she did not leave a note or anything..she did not even get the tag number off the Caravan, so what was her plan?  If she had no intention of reporting the incident, why stay parked there and then go into the mall and you know I am sitting right here? Whatever her reasons were, I showed her!! Hopefully everyone was insured and it all works out, I will sleep well knowing that today, I, fly girl for life, did my part!!

G'night!!!!

Me, Myself and I...and MAC

(De La Soul version not Beyonce please) 

This week has been a bit hectic, as per usual, and there has been a lot going on.  Between personal things, increased hours at work and preparing for a business conference in STL next week, I feel kind of isolated and distant from things.  I never realized that I had such a fixation with routine until the routine changes.  Transitions are sometimes difficult for me but with a little bit of self awareness and a dab of  'whatever' I am sure I will be fine...

One thing that has not changed however, is my MAC cravings.  Today, on my lunch break, I went to the MAC counter (after being almost jumped by an Estee Lauder representative - it almost went very bad) and me and the FAB-ulous Renee picked out some beautiful spring colors for me..The first is called Red Brick, the second Winkle, the third is a pigment powder called universal mix and last but not least, Goldenrod (ooooh say it again...goldenrod!!). I also picked up some mascara (Great Lash was just not doing so great for me anymore), my very first blush--in raisin and a very fluffy #129 brush to accompany it.

I used the pigment (In honor of my new pigment powder, I also grabbed a #242 brush.  There was no way I was going to try and apply without the proper tools and walk around looking a hot, pigment-y mess! No Ma'am/Sir!!), goldenrod and winkle to accomplish my look this evening and I am very satisfied with the colors.  I tend to be drawn to more shimmery shadows but I am beginning to notice that they are not giving me the depth and the intensity that I have been going for.  The colors are very pigmented and build-able so that you get just the look you desire without having to settle.


I was a little reluctant about the blush, it is a very pretty reddish brown almost cinnamon like but I have never worn blush before.   I bought the brush so that I wouldn't ruin my first experience with blush and I must say that I enjoyed it.  It gave my otherwise deep brown cheeks a nice glow and I was quite glad to have a chance to "blush".

Overall I am very happy with my purchases..I don't consider myself a beauty blogger but I like to share my experiences in products so here you have it. 

Love Is....

"Love means never having to say you're sorry"
                  (Taken from the novel and film 'Love Story' 1970, Erich Segal)

This quote, which I have heard many times from men and women in love, and not in love, could not be further from the truth.  To quote an even better book, THE book, (the Good Book, the B-I-B-L-E), Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs.

Today I take a lesson in love, not an easy one but a lesson nonetheless.  Today I see what my brand of "love" really looked like.  Over the last couple of days my "self" has been shown to my "self" and I am here to tell you that it sucked!!  

Let me explain, my brand of love has been erroneous and I didn't even know it.  I thought I had it together but I was a time bomb with a very short fuse.  My love came with a personality disorder called divalicious attitudism. Now being from the east coast, I have a little fly girl flavor that is sassy and cute but even that has its limits and I was well exceeding them.  My love was selfish and never satisfied.  Easily angered and borderline bitter from past relationships so any new love had to pay the price for every prior mistake. Because the majority of my relationships have been very unhealthy I have basked in the glow of a healthy relationship and been unsure of how to respond so I went to my default. My love was flawed and poisonous to its new home and when I realized it, it was like the weight of a ton of bricks.

It is always so easy to pick apart the flaws and weaknesses in something or someone else.  When a friend calls with relationship issues or family issues, it is simple to become the next Dr. Phil and get them right on through it, but when the problem is you, especially in this type of situation, what do you do?

For me the answer was simple..(so simple that I have already done them) I had to do/realize three things..

(Sidebar: this is not a 12 step program and I am not a therapist..I am doing me..repeat..doing me)

1. I had to share my heart with the one I gave my heart too...as the recipient of my brand of love it was only fair that I make it known that I saw my behavior and that I was sorry. No matter what the outcome, the hardest part of realizing that you have been the issue is humility but it is necessary.

2.  I had to forgive my past. Not just the people in it, but myself and my self sabotaging behaviors.  I had to confront the things that caused me to be negative while standing face to face with the most positive relationship that I ever had and take my life back from it.  When standing at an en passe of this magnitude, GPS, your cousin with the map, or your auntie from around the way can not help you choose the way to go.  You have to decide that for no other reason ( meaning not for a person, not for a relationship or whatever else) but for yourself and the fact that if you do not change you will forever be this person, you are willing to do something different and choose a different course immediately.

For me, I could not play with it and say "Well I'm going to try and do better and see how it goes." I have seen how it went and it was headed to a place called a lot worse.  Some of the issues that I have had only require a more rational response or a more positive approach and that shift has to be immediate.  I know that I am not perfect and that I may not always say or do the right things but that is not now nor has been a free pass to cut a fool when you want to.

3.  The last thing I had to do and honestly the hardest thing is to realize that healthy love lets go. I know no one wants to hear if you love something let it go...but the truth is relationship is not ownership it is companionship and if you are causing the ship to sink you can not be mad if the other person wants out of the boat! After everything, the realization, the confession and the beginning of change I had to be prepared for the consequences and ready to start the repairs..

I am not down, defeated or depressed. I am grateful that I have seen these things before I could be consumed by them and I am never to old to grow in some areas and mature...So, at this point the only thing to do is go forward..to laugh, to live and to truly love.

It's been a long time...

I shouldn't have left you.....

I know, I know I have been off the blog scene for quite a few days now and I have missed it so much but I am so ready to give a run down of what has been going on.


 My hiatus all started on Wednesday when I went to see my Neurologist for these pesky migraines that I get from time to time.  She thought it would be a grand idea to increase the anti-seizure medication that I take daily by an additional 100 mg. Well being the obedient patient that I am (okay maybe not all the time but this time I tried it) on Wednesday night I started the increased dosage.  By Thursday morning, I was too high to get out of bed.  I drug myself to work and had to take another dose of medicine that morning. By noon, my fingers and toes were numb, I was having a hard time string words together for sentences and all I wanted to do was sleep. I laid on the couch at work a little after noon, woke up at 4, went home took my evening meds at 8pm, went to bed at 830 and did not wake up again until almost 830 am.  It was at that point that I knew that I could not live like that.  When I got to work on Friday morning and took  my morning dosage, I again experienced the numbness but this time I promptly placed a call to my Doctor. When she called back she said to stop the new dosages and go back to my normal medicine amounts!! Thankfully so, I felt like a zombie, I could barely talk, blogging was out of the question.

By Saturday morning, I almost felt like my normal self and I had a zillion things to do. My Boobiekins had some friends that were jumping the broom on Saturday and we were invited and I had nothing to wear!! So I headed to the mall found a dress but then needed shoes.  Found  two pair of shoes (good thing because on the way to my baby's house one of my new sandal's BROKE--dayng on Charlotte Russe-- and we had to stop at my house and grab the other pair!!!) but then needed some new MAC eyeshadow (Don't Judge Me) found some eyeshadow but then answered my cell and my baby needed a new belt (LOL).  Found the belt and ran out the mall before I had to find a sponsor to pay for all my purchases.  Because my S.O. works so late, we were unable to make the ceremony but the reception was beautiful and it is always a blessing to see two people forsake all others and commit. I Love it!!

Today, though kind of sketchy, up to this point is working out decently..I kind of feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster today but I digress..




I went to see Just Wright and it had all the elements to make it...well..just right (hehehehehe) I laughed, I cried, I was mad, I was glad, certain people pissed you off but they were eventually sort of redeemed. Every now and again Common would say something and it would almost seem like he was about to start rapping...hilarious..If you haven't seen it I recommend it. It is definitely one for the DVD collection.  It will fit perfectly between Jason's Lyric and Love and Basketball (or Love Jones whichever is in your collection next)

But, I say all that to say that I am back in full effect..here and on twitter..I missed pouring my heart out on these pages everyday and I am so glad to be back in my right mind!!

Lata'

A (divided by) B (equals) S.E.X....An Equation of my own

After yesterdays thought provoking conversation with my S.O. we were messaging today and sometimes we like to play the my "girlfriend would be mad if she knew I was talking to you game" So I sent a BBM (BlackBerry Messenger) saying that I really miss my boo today, I wonder how I should say it...the response that I received was how about an equation so I obliged.  Next time your honey bunny asks you how you feel about them or if you miss them try this mathematical genius on for size...

Warning:  If you take life to seriously and you really, really love math, I am sure I am about to butcher it so please exit this page..Ok? Thanks, bye!

Anyway, here goes..

In an equation where a = me and b =you.

If you take the number of hours since I have seen you last and subtract the number of hours that we have talked on the phone multiplied by the amount of times that I have thought of being with you carry the 1, and divide by the amount of hours that I have felt a kind of way it is directly proportional to the number of times today I have desired to kiss you and the reciprocal of the amount of hours I want to spend in your arms the formula is a/b or a (on top of b) which is also referred to as s.e.x. with a remainder of c (cuddle time).

And who said people that enjoy writing are typically weak in math...hmph! Take that!

Today has been a thought provoking Tuesday...

..I had a few conversations, a couple of altercations and by the end of it all a revelation.

I will start with one of the conversations, today while talking to my "boo" a subject matter that comes up every few weeks reared its head - quality time.  Now, make no mistake I am a spoiled brat. I know it like I know my name.  I do not keep it a secret nor do I even pretend to be on a quest to change that. I believe that I am fun, sweet, personable and all the other things that ought make you desire to spend as much time as possible with me.  I don't tend to need tons of me time and deep down inside I do not understand it when my S.O. (significant other) does.  I know that may not be realistic, I see selfish written all over that, I am just trying to tell the truth..Shall I go on?  Well, we were talking today and of course I desire more face time at whatever cost necessary.  My S.O. then began to break down how much time over the course of a week (in hours mind you) that we spend talking, BlackBerry messaging, emailing, texting or seeing each other face to face and it was determined that I (one person) gets a large chunk of time while the remainder has to be divided between all the other friends and personal time.  This is what I get for dating a genius, I was speechless, the only thing that ever transcends my spoiled bratitude is logic and that is what I was getting.  So needless to say I changed the subject and smiled to myself that I have someone who understands me and appreciates the good, the hood and everything in between.

In the midst of that was the altercation but all I will say about that is if you jump fly at me please believe that there is something in my genetic make up that forces me to jump fly back.  If you raise your voice, my voice automatically begins to modulate and increase in volume to meet or exceed the voice of the person yelling and today I had to make an example of someone.  Ultimately, they made their point and because they were the person in charge of the process I had to go with the final decision but my point was crystal clear and I am going to prove it in the long run...bwahahahahahahaha!! (that is my payback laugh)

And  now to the revelation, I was looking at my FaceBook today and it seemed that a lot of people were just in the mulligrubs.  And the common theme was relationships, broken friendships and how they would not let themselves be hurt again.  I thought about it and even though I have said it before I know that I can no longer make that same claim. While I am not an advocate of allowing yourself to be a doormat to those around you, I do know that no relationship is free of heartache and hurt feelings.  I know that the reason I live so easy is because I love so hard.  Everyday I put my heart on the line in the hopes that the person (people) that I bare it to will take care of it as I do there's,  Some days that happens and some days it does not but regardless every morning I put it back on the line.  I dare not say that I will not be hurt again, because I may..it is not always detrimental but sometimes the littlest cuts cause the most pain.  And I am not perfect, even in my current relationship, I have done and said things that hurt. But one thing we both know is that at the end of the day we are happy, for the most part drama free and all the days of good we have under our belt buffers the few moments of not so good that we may come across. 

I do not pretend to know it all, I am no expert, but what I do know is that it has been during my most broken moments that I have made the most progress.  The times that I swore I would never let anyone close to me for fear of being hurt, I have closed out those that have come to love me the most.  Life has no guarantees, you never know where certain roads will lead you until you take them.  There is a difference between cautious and closed.  All the walls and locks are a diversion and a defense mechanism that may block your future.  The walls that we build to keep ourselves in, inadvertently keep others out as well. Vulnerability is not a bad word and it is not a weakness, show someone your heart and you just may find that they have the key...

Stormy Weather

Growing up my Grandmother introduced me to tons of classic cinema.  Laying on the living room couch of her S.E. Washington, D.C. apartment I was introduced to films like  Raisin in the Sun, Imitation of Life, Gone with the Wind and Cabin in the Sky to name a few.  Today it is with great sadness that we say goodbye to one of the icons of that era, Lena Horne.  Ms. Horne's stunning beauty and iconic style has been part of Hollywood since the late 1930's. As one of the first African American women to sign a contract with a major Hollywood studio, Ms Horne was breaking down barriers with her every move.  From refusing to perform in places that did not welcome people of color to Marching on Washington with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Ms Horne was a trendsetter and an activist and will be greatly missed.

(Picture is of Lena Horne playing Georgia Brown in Cabin in the Sky)

Mother's Day Musing

Thirty years and some months ago, the woman who I would eventually know as my mother went to the doctor concerned over 5 pounds that she could not lose.  It was the month of June and she had been eating right and everything but could not lose the last of the weight she was trying to shed.  Sitting in the doctors office, there was no way for her to be prepared for what the Doctor would come in and say. The results of all the tests were in, the 5 pounds that she was trying to lose were ME. Her and the doctor went round and round about the hows, whys and can you do the test again.  After a while, my mother grabbed her purse and walked out of that office in shock.  Her and my father had been separated for a couple months and my brother was 14 years old.  There was no way she could be pregnant. Unfortunately she did not have much time for it to sink in, a month later she found her self in pain.  She went to the hospital and after a relatively normal labor, I was born.  No one knew exactly  how far along she was because her first OB/GYN appointment was not for another couple of days. When I was born there was no denying that I was real, I had her smile and curly hair and my Dad's chocolate skin tone.  I had arrived and there was nothing left to do but go forward.

For the next few years, I had more love than any child could possibly want.   My mom and dad stayed separated, but there was always more than enough family around to fill any voids.  I was growing up with a mom that loved me and was willing to do whatever it took to ensure that I was happy, loved  and provided for.  I was a normal kid doing normal things until I came home from school that one day in the third grade. I walked in the house and I knew something was different.  My mom had been in the hospital a lot that year but I had no idea what was going on.  When I walked around the house, everyone was looking at me as if they had something to say to me but no one knew if they should.  I looked all around for my "Ga-Ga" (my mothers best friend and my Godmother) to see what was happening. When I finally found her I knew something was wrong.  She told me to sit down and once I did she began to tell me that my mother was gone.  I had no idea what she meant--gone where, I asked.  When she responded Heaven, I still did not get it--It was not until I saw the tears and asked to go see her that I finally began to understand that my Mother had passed away.

For the next few days everything was a blur, I still remember how people looked at me when they would walk by.  I did not know at that time that I was now an orphan.  My mom was gone, and in his own way, so was my dad.  My godmother would be the one to raise me from that point on.  Looking back on those days still brings tears to my eyes.  My mother, even though I only knew her for a short time, was an awesome woman.  She had a dry sense of humor that I somehow inherited and a thousand mega-watt smile that would light up a room. I still remember seeing her during one of the trips to the hospital, her hair was very short and it was so soft and curly because it had just started growing back. She was still so strong and so beautiful even though the cancer had spread from her breast to the rest of her body.  I had no idea that that visit was going to be one of the last times that I saw her.

I am grateful for the 7 years that I had with my mother, but I cannot help wondering what my life would have been like had I been able to have her for longer.  This mother's day, I am thankful that she gave me life and I hope that her death was not in vain.  I encourage all of you to do monthly breast exams and when the time comes please have a mammogram. If not for you, for those that love you.  Mother's day to me is still a day to celebrate.  I celebrate life, I celebrate love and I celebrate my Mother--Never forgotten, I Love you!!

MAC is Back!

Here goes-as promised:  My MAC product review, featuring some old picks and some new items that I just picked up..I had switched to MakeUp Forever (Sephora) for a while but I am glad to be back at MAC!!!

The first thing that I grabbed was a MAC 187 Brush and I am in love!! It is a stippling brush meaning after you get product on the tips of the brush you just lightly touch the bristles onto your face creating a pattern of small dots that are made by the brush.  After you have your liquid foundation all over your face ( I use MAC Studio Fix Liquid in NW 50), use the brush to lightly blend in the product and buff. (if you choose you can also apply a powder (I use MAC Studio Fix Powder Plus) with this brush to set. I personally don't, I prefer my Kabuki for setting.  This technique gave me my most flawless coverage..EVER!  The duo-fibre brush is so soft and truly when using it a little product goes a long way..

The second product that I snatched up was an eyeshadow base. The color is  "groundwork" and it comes in a paint pot.  Up to this point I have been just using concealer but it seemed that nothing was helping.  The paint pot is more of a cream and I applied it from lid to brow and I am here to tell you that my shadow did not budge! I couldn't even get it off when the make-up was supposed to come off. The base eliminated creases and my lids were no where near as oily as usual.  Another plus is because it is a little lighter than my skin tone it created a very nice underbrow matte color without me having to do a ton of blending. 

In celebration of my new eyeshadow base--I chose to revisit two of my favorite MAC shadows, "woodwinked" and "beauty marked".  I will start with woodwinked. It is a very pretty gold that is highly pigmented.  I am a chocolate diva so I need things that will show up..I refuse to spend 10 minutes doing eye make-up for it to blend into the black on my face...LOL..The other shadow, beauty marked, is a reddish blackish purpilated dream!!! ( I will post a hand swatch later today so that you can see the true colors).  It is very pretty but in order to get the maximum color benefit out of it, I recommend using a black shadow base underneath so the other colors can come out. 

I am very pleased with all of my new purchases and glad to revisit some not so new purchases.  I know that people are always looking for MAC dupes (duplicates that are generally cheaper) but I do not mind paying for quality.  I have a few brushes that are not MAC and they do a great job but I didn't get them becase they were dupes, I got them because they do the job.  In my experience you get what you pay for so I choose to pay for what I like.

Bonus:

Since I was a little late in posting this, here are a couple tips that I have come across in my beauty travels.

1. When applying a powder of any kind, after swirling brush in product, DO NOT blow on the brush to remove excess.  Tap the brush lightly so that you do not contaminate your brush or your product with saliva. 
2.  Apply concealer over foundation and before you set your makeup with your choice of powder.  Applying under foundation causes the concealer to either be over blended or it just rubs off.
3.  Clean your brushes at least once a week (After each use if you use them on other people). Self Explanatory!


As always, remember that Fly is always better when it is Fierce, Fun and Flawless!! If you take time to learn your face and proper application and technique you will make the make-up beautiful--not the other way around!

Lata'

Slackin'

Dear Blog Reader,

Sooooo....I know that I should be blogging at least once a day but I have been slacking.  You may be wondering how after only two weeks of blogging I have the audacity to think I need a break and you are right but that has never stopped me from doing what I want (hahaha!)  Also, I do know that the phrase quote of the day would lead a person reading my blog to believe that there will be one everyday and I promise as soon as I find my fly girl flow in this arena, there will be.  So tonight, I admit that I have been a tease--blogging for all these straight days and just when the topics where getting good, I disappeared. Well I assure you that I will soon deliver..get ready for my very first beauty blog later on today.  I just got some new MAC brushes and a few other goodies from my most favoritest place in the world...(duh MAC) and I can't wait to tell someone/anyone about it!!

If you can find it in your blog loving heart to forgive me, I promise I will do better!!

Signed,

Slacker Anonymous

QQOD (Quick Quote of the Day)

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

                           

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day, so I never have to  live without you"

                     
 ~ A.A. Milne (Author of Winnie The Pooh)

(Today is a double quote, since I didn't post one yesterday.)

 How often have you called just to hear someones voice and not want anything in particular?  How many times have you sent a message just to show someone that you were thinking of them? Every one wants someone to "check for them", it's part of who we are and it is part of what makes a relationship fun and flourishing.  Early morning messages, midday hello's or late night conversations are all a part of what gives a relationship its legs.  Take time today and reach out to someone you care about, you just may make their day.

End of Story....Period!

I am aware that there are some things that I have to suffer as a quick witted, beautifully interesting, charismatic female but there is one thing in particular that I cannot prepare for. No matter how often it has happened and regardless of how many more times it will happen I am always taken aback. As if I am not emotional enough, as if I am not already far right on the sensitivity measurement tool; once a month I am pushed over the edge.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am an adult and should be more capable of being well balanced and rational. Regardless of the circumstance, I should be able to look at people, situations, and issues and logically respond. Unfortunately, that is not what happens.

So this is an open letter to anyone I come in contact with during this phase of the lunar cycle. I apologize in advance when you start talking and my neck immediately begins to move side to side, my eyes roll and when my mouth opens all you hear is attitude. I am sorry if every time you say something it appears that I am shooting darts out of my eyes at you, it is not personal. I am sorry that during these few days I need to be coddled a little more, pampered a bit, and maybe sometimes given a little more grace (and sweets).

While everyone may not have this issue and sometimes the issues are not as severe, it happens. I promise once it passes, and it will pass, I will make it up to you—all of you.

Thanks for being so understanding,

                                                 Signed…A P.Y.T. with P.M.S